Married at 17 – Success or Failure?
The divorce rate in America is the highest of any other country at 50% with young couples placed at the highest risk for failure within the first few years of marriage. Statistics show a decline in the divorce rate with couples in their late 20s through 30s. My theory is those who marry young are lacking the maturity to deal with the many facets of married life. That part of their mentality is still under development and the cards stacked against us from the start.
On Christmas Eve 1978, I became engaged to my husband. I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. The happy news delighted our family and friends. Robin and I had dated for three years. Like any girl, the prospect of getting married thrilled me. What girl isn’t? Unfortunately, not everyone shared our enthusiasm for the upcoming nuptials. “Why,” you ask. We were mere youngsters and in the opposition’s eyes, we were acting on foolish, whimsical fantasies, but we believed otherwise.
This is where the skeptics entered our realm. They were do-gooders and meant well, but it you know how it is, you can’t tell a teenager anything because they are certain they know everything anyhow. In retrospect and looking through a parent’s eye, I would be quaking in my shoes if a young man wooed one of my daughters away at a young age. So, I clearly understand why some people were in protest of two young people getting married. Our critics’ main concern was my education. They were confident I wouldn’t finish my journey in earning my high school diploma.
I’m the oldest of four and ever since my mother took a job, she put me in charge of taking care of things around the house after school. That wasn’t unusual for a girl in southern West Virginia but I felt like a second mother to my brothers and sister. My soon-to-be husband was finishing up his education at a state college. He would graduate with high honors as valedictorian a few days before our wedding and fortunately, he had a job lined up after graduation with a Federal utility company in the Tennessee Valley.
It wasn’t uncommon for girls growing up in rural West Virginia to wed at young ages. I fell into the typical demographics for the region; I was anything, but typical, though. Despite wanting to be married, I didn’t want to begin a family right away. That was absolutely out of the norm. I defined my goals clearly to finish high school and then go to college. I was more than ever determined to prove the skeptics wrong. Who knows, maybe that was their plan all along – reverse psychology tactics?
The most thrilling occasion in a woman’s life arrived on June 9th for me. Was I nervous? Oh, you bet I was! Walking arm in arm, my daddy ushered me down the aisle as the pianist played the traditional Wedding march. A sea of emotions washed over, as I fought to hold the tears back I noticed my mother, grandmothers, and future mother-in-law all crying. Weddings are tear-jerking events. I’d like to tell you our ceremony was beautiful but I’d be fibbing if I told you anything other than the truth. I cannot remember a thing. I had the worst case of nervous jitters. It was so bad I could not even recite our vows properly. What the preacher asked me to repeat got mixed up in my head and my tongue felt heaving making it hard to form words. Somehow in it all, Reverend Gardner pronounced us husband and wife.
We survived the photo shoot and reception after the ceremony that went off with flying colors and then we were off for that most sacred and sanctifying marital trip, the Honeymoon. A special time for husband and wife to come together for the first time as God intended. Oh, the youthful innocence and time. Wouldn’t it be great if things were like that today to hold one’s chastity true until the appropriate time – one’s wedding night? My husband reserved a romantic cabin hideaway at the Blue Stone State Park nestled in the ‘Almost Heaven West Virginia’ mountains. It was perfect as was our week spent getting intimately acquainted.
After our unspoiled Honeymoon, we uprooted our few belongings headed for our new life in Knoxville, Tennessee. We rented a little place just outside the city limits. I straightaway got enrolled in a high school and we took care of all the necessary steps to make ourselves official transplants in the Tennessee Valley.
Beginning fresh at a new school held a certain anxious excitement but the luster quickly wore off. I found it difficult to make new friends. There were clicks and no room for the married, new kid. I believe there was only one other teenage girl married in the school besides me and she had a baby. I didn’t have common interests as these kids and felt out-of-place. To make matters worse, I had an English teacher who made my life miserable.
What should have been a happy time was anything but happy! I became so dissatisfied I began making excuses to stay out of school. All I wanted to do was to avoid the whole unpleasant situation. I became almost depressed with a despairing gloom hanging over me like a thick dark cloud. I felt my dreams crashing around me. The nagging skeptic words, “You’ll never finish school,” rang in my mind like a bad nursery rhythm. I pulled myself out of my self-pity and fought my way out of the mess I created. I went back to class and found a way to make things work. One thing that helped was when I transferred my high school transcript to my new school, I was actually at an advantage compared to other classmates. I had extra credit hours which allowed me to graduate three months early. I was proud to walk across the coliseum stage to receive my high school diploma in June 1980.
On our first anniversary, the family began asking us when we would have children. That wasn’t in my immediate future; I had yet to go to college and buy a home. That fall not only did I begin my associate degree studies at a technical school, we bought a house with the help of a special loan for first time home owners. We so blessed with this opportunity. The housing and banking industries were in horrible trouble in the early 80s but this loan made it easier and affordable for us to invest in our own place. I was only 18 years old and felt accomplished somehow.
In the spring of 1983, I completed my second original goal – college graduation. The fall of that year, I started my career as a computer sales consultant for a small business. I learned that I wasn’t salesman’s material but I gained a wealth of valuable training. The five years that preceded, I went through several positions with each superseding the last. Coincidentally, during this period, my motherly urges would rise and fall like ocean waves. One minute, I wanted a baby and then the next, I didn’t. I contributed these swells of emotions on the circumstances which surrounded me. All of my girlfriends were having babies and this planted the seed of yearning in me.
We began entertaining the idea of parenthood by our 8th anniversary. However, we were uneasy with the unknown. After all, this meant giving up our freedom to dedicate ourselves to little people. It seemed like a frightening, daunting task and part us wondered if we were ready for it. Children are an enormous responsibility and one we didn’t take lightly. Could we handle the demands that come with the territory? We placed things on a hold but by the fall of 1987, those ole parenting sentiments hit an all-time high. At last, we pushed aside the doubt hindering us for years and listened to what God wanted which was to start a family.
We shared the last 31-years together and have three children. I was fortunate to leave the workforce in 1988 after our first child’s birth and have been happy to remain in the home camp as Mommy, housewife, and home educator. We are happier together today than the day we got married. It’s quite true many young couples do not survive their youthful marriages. I credit our own success to God. He is the glue that has kept us together. His leadership has provided a path for us to follow, as we grew up as individuals while remaining as one. We are not only husband and wife, but each other’s best friend. We have learned building a marriage takes many years of tender cultivating and we are happy that we stuck it out ‘for better or for worse’ as we promised in our wedding vows. Although, the grass may appear to be greener on the other side of the fence sometimes, let’s face it; it’s just as green on our side, too. Like our wedding vows, we’ll keep to the closing, ‘until death do us part.’ Married at 17, success or failure? I’ll let you decide.
22 Comments
Cathy Kennedy
@Let’sMakeADifference…thank you for stopping by and joining me. It’s a blessing to connect with other Christian moms. I don’t like to predict the outcome of someone’s marriage before hand, either. Honestly, though, most 17 years are not equipped to make these sorts of decissions very well, usually. In retrospect, I see that I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was, but by God’s grace, I kept committed.
I visited your site and am now following you in return. God bless!
ladyinpurple
@Cathy-> that’s an exception..if we have God in our lives things will turn out to be good because He promises good life to us.My older sister got pregnant at 17.She didn’t want to marry the man though.Since she accepted God everything is good in her family now.She has found a real man to be with her until her last breath.
Lora Langston
@Patrice I am collecting rejection emails but I keep trying. I am determined to get published as a children’s author. I work with kids everyday and love to write! Advice Kathy?
Holly
I found you through Red, too!
Age is a VERY FLUID thing… No one is at the same stage of development. It’s one thing to KNOW a PERSON is not mature enough for marriage by their actions and lack of ability to be responsible… It’s another to make a judgement on a number. Life experience and personality play a HUGE ROLE!! You and your husband PROVE that. ;D
I was 2 months from being 18 when I married. I was 2nd mother, dealt with various situations that gave3 me more life experience… I DID have my head a bit in the clouds in WANTING to believe HE was mature enough and ignoring the red flags. He back pedaled on ALL of his promises and I tried to make it work for both of us for 8 years. I got 2 amazing kids, but that’s it. If he would have BEEN the person he pretended to be in the beginning, or even made ANY EFFORT TOWARD the relationship, this story could have had a different ending. It only lasted the 8 years because I was SO stubbornly determined to prove those “nay-sayers” wrong and NOT be like my mother… (4 marriages in my youth and ALL BAD… I had to be the rock for the younger siblings she started having when I was 9…)
As it stands, I am now married 13 years (as of the date of your post) to the most wonderful man I could imagine. Now HE has HIS hands full. This is the man God intended for me, because the other one could NEVER have “manned up” enough to be what I’ve needed as the years have gone on.
I agree that society is so permissive and out of control, anymore. Our ability to control our “urges” is what sets us apart from the animals…. Hmmmm…. Bunch of WILD ANIMALS!!! LOL!! I REALLY WORRY about how things are going with the most sacred of experiences between a couple being tossed about so casually. *sigh*
Holly
I found you through Red, too!
Age is a VERY FLUID thing… No one is at the same stage of development. It’s one thing to KNOW a PERSON is not mature enough for marriage by their actions and lack of ability to be responsible… It’s another to make a judgement on a number. Life experience and personality play a HUGE ROLE!! You and your husband PROVE that. ;D
I was 2 months from being 18 when I married. I was 2nd mother, dealt with various situations that gave3 me more life experience… I DID have my head a bit in the clouds in WANTING to believe HE was mature enough and ignoring the red flags. He back pedaled on ALL of his promises and I tried to make it work for both of us for 8 years. I got 2 amazing kids, but that’s it. If he would have BEEN the person he pretended to be in the beginning, or even made ANY EFFORT TOWARD the relationship, this story could have had a different ending. It only lasted the 8 years because I was SO stubbornly determined to prove those “nay-sayers” wrong and NOT be like my mother… (4 marriages in my youth and ALL BAD… I had to be the rock for the younger siblings she started having when I was 9…)
As it stands, I am now married 13 years (as of the date of your post) to the most wonderful man I could imagine. Now HE has HIS hands full. This is the man God intended for me, because the other one could NEVER have “manned up” enough to be what I’ve needed as the years have gone on.
I agree that society is so permissive and out of control, anymore. Our ability to control our “urges” is what sets us apart from the animals…. Hmmmm…. Bunch of WILD ANIMALS!!! LOL!! I REALLY WORRY about how things are going with the most sacred of experiences between a couple being tossed about so casually. *sigh*
Cathy Kennedy
@Sandra…many thanks! I’m getting a very late start on noticing this big event I managed to accomplish. The RedheadRiter was being very generous in spotlighting me today. I’m quite honored to say the least. =D
Sandra
Congratulations on Red’s (Blogfrog)SPECIAL Spotlight of Rockin’ Friends!
Cathy Kennedy
@ladyinpurple…having God in the center of your life does make a difference. One HAS to look past his/herself to see what God wants NOT want they want. If we listen to His leadership, then ultimately, we’ll be happier. Your sister was wise to wait to find the man God wanted for her, instead of settling to marry the baby’s father which isn’t always the best alternative. Like the old saying goes, “Two wrongs doesn’t a right.” God bless!
ladyinpurple
@Cathy-> that’s an exception..if we have God in our lives things will turn out to be good because He promises good life to us.My older sister got pregnant at 17.She didn’t want to marry the man though.Since she accepted God everything is good in her family now.She has found a real man to be with her until her last breath.
Cathy Kennedy
@KidsCreateFun..also hooray for your mom & dad’s continued marriage.
Kids Create Fun @ Creative Kids
@Patrice I am collecting rejection emails but I keep trying. I am determined to get published as a children’s author. I work with kids everyday and love to write! Advice Kathy?
Kids Create Fun @ Creative Kids
My parents married when she was 17 and in school. She continued until graduation and didn’t have her first child (me) until she was 19. They have been married for nearly 43 years 🙂
Cathy Kennedy
@Let’sMakeADifference…thank you for stopping by and joining me. It’s a blessing to connect with other Christian moms. I don’t like to predict the outcome of someone’s marriage before hand, either. Honestly, though, most 17 years are not equipped to make these sorts of decissions very well, usually. In retrospect, I see that I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was, but by God’s grace, I kept committed.
I visited your site and am now following you in return. God bless!
Let'sMakeADifference
great post! I’m a new follower! Would love for you to check out my blog and follow back!
Jodie
Cathy, thanks for such a truthful, heartfelt post. I am very hesitant to place anyone in the category of “bound to fail” at marriage. I am beginning to believe if you enter marriage in the right frame of mind, with the right person, we all have the same chances. How you evolve and treat eachother, and your beliefs are what make or break it. Thanks for joining my BF community! Glad to have you!
Cathy Kennedy
@Pam…Oh dear, I’m still very much married to the same man and am totally happy. My husband is a very good man and that counts for a lot it. We have been so blessed. All I can say is God has allowed us to stay focused on what’s important to each of us. I’m sorry your husband wasn’t the kind of person you thought he would be, but thankfully, you made it out of an abusive situation. God bless!
Pam Ponder
I was married at 18 it lasted 23 years and was very abusive after 3 glad I got out alive….sorry yours didnt work out either at that young age we don’t really know who we are yet…
stopping by from Friday Follow 40 and over
Cathy Kennedy
@ladyinpurple…you are absolutely right 17 is far too young to enter into marriage. By the grace of God, we survived over the years growing together as a couple instead of drifting apart. I wouldn’t recommend anyone today to do that.
@Patricia…as I stated above God gets full credit in keeping our heads on straight. I’m very blessed. Your daughter is right, you’re now a writer since you’ve been rejected. Climb back on the saddle and try again. Don’t look back in life with regrets because you didn’t do something with your writings because you feared rejection, do it so you can say, I have no regrets I did it and… That part will be written in later. =D Good luck! Glad to have you on board.
Patrice
Thanks for following me. It’s good to know other home schoolers. I love your story. That does seem young to get married, but “the proof is in the pudding.”
I’m so excited for you that you are having something published. I’m a writer and a big chicken! The only thing I ever sent in was chewed up and sent back. My daughter said that I was really a writer after getting a rejection! I need to “put on my big girl pants” and try to get some things published.
ladyinpurple
personally, getting married at 17 is not a smart choice..I observed it’s bound to fail..it’s too young to start a family
Cathy Kennedy
@blueviolet…thanks for stopping by. Wow, you spent a good number of years with your hubby! Sorry to hear things didn’t work out, but at least you’re still best friends and that’s something you can’t say about most divorced couples. God bless!
blueviolet
I wasn’t married quite as young as you were, I was 19, but I left the workforce the same year you did to be a SAHM, 1988. I think you met with success! We were married for 25 years and then divorced though, just a few months ago. 🙁 We’re still best friends, but can’t be married.
I’m following you back from the hop and so happy to meet you!