Greetings, Kittens & Dawgs! How’s the first four days of the new year treating you? This is not only DH’s off Friday but it was a short work week. Whoo-hoo! Now, it’s time for nothing but giggles with some Friday Sillies!
Dear Diet Diary
As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, Cresley [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Juan Antonio waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god: he has curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!
Juan Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Juan Antonio [call me Tony by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week! My New Year resolutions will be easy.
Tuesday
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair ‘monster’. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.
Thursday
Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.
Friday
I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the flippin’ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday
That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday
I’m having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
Dear Diet Diary source credit, here.
And just because it’s been one of those week’s….
I’m really not cut out for winters!
That’s a wrap for now but I hope to see you on the dance floor for freebie mewsic pick on Mondays Mewsic Moves Me!
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I loved those diary entries! Oh, Tony. Had me giggling the whole way through.
Tonja,
Thanks for stopping by, my friend. I’m glad you enjoyed the Dear Diet Diary funny. Although, I’ve never had a personal trainer, I can relate to how this woman felt. You know the agony one feels after working oneself hard. Have a good week.
OMG! You are way too funny…hahahaaaa I love your diary but I would sprinkle the floor with chocolate. Poor Antonio, scratch that,…poor you! When my friend and I went to aqua fit years ago we called our instructor Hitler. As for the Stupid person…who is really stupid, my neighbour, when I was young and living in the country lost his hand because he didn’t take off his glove when his corn shredder machine became stuck. He shoved his hand in there and it took his glove and his fingers. He had to pull his hand out and felt his fingers give way. His response, later, is he forgot to take his glove off because he always cleared the machine by placing his hand in…yup..dumb.
Birgit,
The diary is funny but it’s not mine. 🙂 I borrowed from the internet. I thought I gave credit back to the source but I reckon I missed doing that, so I went back and added to my post. Good heavens, I hated hearing about your neighbor’s mishap but boy that really wasn’t the smartest thing to do. This really made me cringe. OUCH! I’d ask if he learned his lesson but I’m afraid with that response he didn’t.
Nope, he didn’t and you didn’t want to be around him. He worked at our sawmill when we had mechanical issues. He told the men to stand back because if one doesn’t know what one is doing, it can explode. Well, it exploded in his face. He closed his eyes but I remember him coming into our home asking if he could use our sink to splash water in his face. When I saw his face was black and his skin was peeling off his face, I told hi. To wait and I woke my mom up from her afternoon nap. She brought him to the hospital because he suffered major burns. Another time, he had his own saw and he placed a piece of wood into the saw and due to either a knot or a nail it kicked back and he broke his jaw in 3 Places.
Birgit,
Holy Moly of all the bad luck! This guy could be the stunt double for the Allstate Insurance “Mayhem is Coming” commercials. Is this man still alive?
The diet and exercise diary is exactly why I no longer do either – sort of kidding. Instead, I watch Weird Al videos, which are so funny I get all the exercise I need while laughing.
Alana,
Believe it or not but laughing does burn calories. 🙂 Unfortunately not enough to please me which means I have to still go at it the hard way to burn off unwanted pounds. 🙁 I definitely like your approach better, though. 🙂
laughing. this had me dying!
Laughing is okay but dying not good. 😀 Thanks for stopping by for a visit and some giggles.
Fun post 🙂 I love Grumpy Cat.
Ellen,
Everyone likes the unloveable Grumpy Cat! I love finding memes featuring him!!
My kids and i love Weird Al! Thanks for all the funnies, i needed a laugh.
Mimi,
Weird Al is one my favorite, too. Although he’s doesn’t do parodies, Ray Stevens is another funny artist and favorite of mine with his original gut-busting songs. 🙂
hilarious post!
Kathe,
I’m glad you enjoyed the giggles! Have a laughtastic weekend. 😉
Great story Cathy! I can see every minute of it. Happy Friday!
Thank you, Janet! It’s great seeing you. I know you were super busy during the Christmas season. I can’t imagine working in retail during the holidays. It takes a special person and that fits you purrfect because you’re purrty darn special. Have a good weekend!
Love them all. Especially that stupid guy. He’s really stupid.
I linked this post to Feline Friday.
Have a purrfect day and weekend. ♥
Sandee,
Thanks for adding me to your Feline Friday linky party. I used to think stupid people didn’t serve mankind too much but then I realized they do have a great purpose and that’s to make us laugh. lol Thanks for visiting and have a good weekend! 😉
This is just too funny. Thank you for the guffaws!
Eugenia,
Anytime! Giggles are always healthy for you. 🙂
Hi, Cathy!
Your Friday Sillies put a great big smile on my face, dear friend. I love Weird Al songs and videos and “White And Nerdy” was a hoot. I just finished binge watching the sitcom Alf for days because our house guest, Mrs. Shady’s brother, loves the show and requested it during his two week stay. I had never actually sat down and watched the series before and I really enjoyed it. The alien Alf, brought to life by puppeteer and character actor Paul Fusco, is clever and entertaining. I got a kick out of your other memes as well, and the “Dear Diet Diary” piece is very funny and tells the truth about the challenges of sticking with a fitness program when your initial enthusiasm starts to wear off and your muscles start to ache.
How are your daughter and SIL in Maine coping with that bomb cyclone? Duke Crocker’s boat probably got swept out to sea by now. 🙂 By the way, we are now halfway through the Mara season of that series.
I wish you and your family a safe and happy weekend, dear friend Cathy!
Tom,
I watched a bit Alf back in the day but not nearly enough. It was a funny sitcom. I need to see if I can find that on Netflix or Amazon Prime. I thought everyone can appreciate the “Dear Diet/Exercise Diary”. It is challenging to push oneself to do something that’s new and where exercise goes…boy, do you ever discover muscles that you didn’t know you had before! lol I don’t like being sore but I like exercising for many reasons. Obviously, it helps with weight loss but I love that it keeps me nimble, boosts my mood, and is helps me to stay healthy. I hate dieting but the truth of the matter is cutting calories is the biggest and best weight reducer. Once I get my game face on in this department then I have no sweat with dropping unwanted pounds. The hardest thing is telling my brain to get with the program. lol
I haven’t heard from DD#2 or DSIL since this last round of snow dumped several inches on them. I’m hoping all is well with them. I know she’s had a sinus infection which has left her feeling awful. No doubt Duke’s boat was swept away. lol You’re not too far away from completing Haven. That’s such a great show! I’d wish they bring it back but the good news is the return of X-Files aired this week. We need to watch the first episode which we may do tonight. Thanks for stopping in for some giggles and have a good weekend, my friend!