For months, I’ve struggled with posting one of my work-in-progress for audience feedback. My manuscript is an early reader for ages 6-10. I believe it can be read aloud to younger children with vivid illustrations to go with the story. Please take a few minutes to read part 1 and afterward kindly leave your constructive criticism in comments. Don’t worry you won’t hurt this gal’s feelings. Any critiquing I get I use as a learning tool. 😉
“MAMA,” a voice rang out through the house, “COME QUICK!”
“What’s wrong, darling?”
“Look, I can move my front tooth with my tongue! Do I have a disease?” Six-year-old Emily had recently learned what the word disease meant when the family’s old tabby cat got sick and had to see the vet.
By this time, Emily’s younger brother and sister came to see what the ruckus was all about.
Anna peeked around the corner. “Does it hurt?”
“Nope.”
Mama smiled. “No, you don’t have a disease. This is normal. All children your age begin to lose their teeth.”
“All of my teeth!”
“Oh, no! Not all at once. God allows them to come out one by one to be replaced with your permanent teeth.”
“Permanent teeth?”
“Like what Daddy and I have.”
“Will my friends laugh at me?”
“No, this is a sign you’re growing into a big girl.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I want to be a big girl, too,” Anna said.
Mama patted her on the head. “You’ll get your chance before long.”
I appreciate your helpful suggestions that are sure to shape my children’s book appropriately with your participation.
- Is the dialogue believable between Mama and Emily?
- Can you see a six-year-old saying these things?
- What is your general sense of what you’ve read?
- How would change this, if it were your story?
(c)2011 Cathy Kennedy
All rights sole property of the author and is not to be reproduced without written permission. Contact the author to get complete manuscript for publication consideration, please contact by email.
Have a terrific Tuesday!
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Bobby, It’s a little bit non-fictional, but it’s mainly my imagination brewing with this piece. Thanks for the input. I need to get a complete revised version on my blog so folks can read a more polished story. Cathy
Hey, that’s a nice story! Did you base it on real-life experience? The dialogue is good and believable. Kids are often surprised when they find their baby teeth ready to fall off. It’s a great opportunity to educate them about their teeth around that time.
Yes I believe the dialogue is great. Pulled me right in. I
absolutely think this is something a 6 year old would ask. My daugther asks me questions just like these.
I think it’s a great start. Though I agree with most of the comments about how Emily found out about diseases would sound a little better it was broken up into different sentences.
*I came into the story when the 4th part was posted. I started reading it to my daughter and she said, “Mommy, what happens next?” So, that’s approval in the eyes of my 5 year old.
You story is wonderful very realistic. I am a grandmother and have had a small daycare for years. It is something I would read to the kids for sure. But I also agree with Stacy
God Bless you work and words!
Mamaw
http://itsabouttimemamaw.blogspot.com
I’m loving it so far – and yes, the dialogue is believable for that age group…at least that’s how it was/is with Princess Nagger. 😉 I agree with Amanda about that sentence needing to be broken up a bit, but other than that, love it! 🙂
Patricia Blackmon God bless you for your feedback! It was wonderful to hear and I, too, agree whole heartedly with Stacy & Amanda on the need to split the sentence. In fact, I’ve changed it in my Word version already. Thanks ladies for everything! Part 2 coming up tomorrow!
Stacy Thanks for your feedback. It means a lot to me and I appreciate your encouragement. It’s been quite a number of years since mine were this age. I find myself forgetting to simplify the sentences, but I just gotta keep at it. I know I’ll get there with a little help from my friiends.
Hi following from the hop look forward to more great posts
I am following you via TTT blog hop. Please follow me.
http://itsabouttimemamaw.blogspot.com/
Patricia Blackmon Welcome new friend! Thanks for the good luck wishes. Authors love words of encouragement! So, do you know what? Your input is valuable…input away! =D
Oh, can I chime in? I think the dialogue is believable. (But my husband will tell you I come from a family of freak geniuses, so take that with a grain of salt.
I’m not sure why, but the sentence introducing Emily and how she knows what a disease is doesn’t read right to me. Can you split that into two sentences somehow? Maybe something like “Six years old Emily just learned the meaning of the word disease. She learned it when her old tabby got sick. The vet explained that her old tabby had a disease that made the tabby sick.” (Okay, I made that three, but you get the idea 🙂 )
From what you posted it has potential. I’m guessing the whole story is about how Emily and her friends react to the tooth falling out. I’d love to see more.
Amanda Nicole I love your suggestion on the sentence. You’re so right, it needs the break. Now, I can’t tell you what’s happening next, but hopefully tomorrow’s post will include more. Thanks for the feedback!