This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must read!
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Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 31 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary of my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Was a little late from having to stop twice to pee. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air — then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies’ room. He sent Gretchen to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce. Skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the F#%*=~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my heating pad. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy!
Email received from Joan M December 2001. It cracked me up then and it cracks me up still after all these years!
I came up with the idea for this new post series while sorting through old files stored on my external hard drives of old emails I collected. I neither wanted to keep or delete to keep them. I remembered how much fun it was to get daily nuggets of humor or inspiration from friends, so I decided to recirculate the email content and if you have an email subscription to CAAC then it’ll kind of be like sharing these things with you like in those bygone-days. No comments, needed. If you want, you’re welcome to click “like” to let me know you stopped by.
I’m trying to establish a new norm in Blogosphere. This post being not only on the last Friday of the month but DH’s work Friday is a good time to put up my responses to this Friday’s Friendly Fill-ins.
Join me tomorrow for a new edition of Battle of the Bands. Have a blessed day!
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OMW! I can’t stop laughing at this post!
That is funny. Thank you for participating in the fill-ins, great answers. I bet the cookies were really good. XO
Ellen,
The cookies were really good. We made a few modifications and made them even better. This will definitely be my go to recipe for a chocolaty snack!
CAThy!
That was an extremely funny post!!
You wrote: “Email received from Joan M December 2001”.
Did Joan M actually write that piece, or had she found it somewhere and shared it with you? I’m wondering who wrote it because I would like to explore some more of their writings.
~ D-FensDogG
Stephen,
No, Joan didn’t write this piece. It was just one of those common emails that made its rounds a few times back in the day. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Heeheehee! Oh, my stars, that was a good one, thank you for sharing it.
That was a fun one and I could see that happening, seriously!
I haven’t laughed this much in forever, Cathy! Thank you! I’ve been working on myself as well. In fact, I’m hereby counting laughing that hard as spontaneous sit-ups for my exercise routine
I can already feel future results.
That’s a good – spontaneous sit-ups, Diedre! lol
I can’t stop laughing! This is hilarious especially when she couldn’t hold anything heavier than a sandwich. I tried, more than once, to go to the gym and I never lasted. In 2 years I may have gone 5 times. Walking is my exercise..when I go.
While I never step foot in a gym, I do remember the days when I subjected myself to such torture at home. It’s really hard work to push yourself to get pass the pain but I did. I wish I had the energy and drive to do that again. I’ll be happy if I can myself moving again on the elliptical. I really got off track after vacation!
That was hilarious, Cathy! From Greek God to snarling vampire.
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That’s just priceless!